LADIES :13 Reasons Why Men Cheat No. 4, 5, And 13 Might Be Because of You

After almost three decades of working with couples decimated by inf!`delity, I can tell you that men who che`@t on a beloved wife or gir`lfriend can be amazingly creative when they try to explain why. Sometimes che@ting men tell me, and the w0'men they lov3, that their behavior doesn’t really count as che@'ting, because it didn’t involve actual s3`x. Other times, they find ways to blame others for their choices – their spouse, their boss, even the other woman.
[Yes, I understand that women also che`at. I have written about that numerous times, including here. However, this article, based on my new book Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Cau`ght Che@ting, is about cheating men.]
As a therapist, I find most of the reasons that che.a.ting men use to justify their infidelity fascinating  because almost all of these reasons imply that ch`e@ting was the only logical solution to their relationship issues and other life problems. I often find myself thinking, “Sure, che.@ting is an option, but only one among many. How about taking up a hobby, or volunteering to make the world a better place, or actually talking to your significant other about what you’re fee'ling and how the two of you might be able to craft a more fulfilling relationship? Wouldn’t any of those choices be better that lying, manipulating, and keeping important sec`rets from a w0man you truly care about?”
But most men don’t have that type of insight. So when confronted, they minimize, rationalize, and justify their behavior with statements like:

• Every guy wants to have s`3x with other women. And when the opportunity arises, he takes it. 
• It’s a man’s biological imperative to have s3`x with as many women as he can. Why should I be any different? 
• If I got enough (or better) s3.x at home, I wouldn’t need to che@t. 
• I’m not doing anything that most of my buddies don’t do. If you don’t believe me, ask them. 
• If my wife hadn’t gained so much weight — or if she was nicer to me, or more attentive — I wouldn’t have even thought about going elsewhere. 
• If my job wasn’t so stressful, I wouldn’t need the release I get from online s3`x. 
• Che@ting? Really? I mean, who would rationally call getting a lap dance in a strip club infidelity? It’s just what guys do for fun. 
• My dad looked at magazines and went to strip clubs, and that wasn’t a big deal. Well, I have webcam chats and interactive s*'x. What’s the difference? 
• If the police had been out chasing actual bad guys, I wouldn’t have gotten caught in that pr0`st!tut!on st!`ng. Why don’t they go after some real cri`mi`nals?
• I’m only s3`xt!ng and fl!r`ting. Where’s the h@`rm in that? I don’t meet up with any of these w0'men in person. It’s just a game. 

In the therapy business, we have a name for this type of reasoning: Denial. From a psychotherapy perspective, denial is a series of internal lies and dece!ts people tell themselves to make their questionable behaviors seem OK (at least in their own mind). Typically, each self-dece`ption is supported by one or more rationalizations, with each one bols`tered by still more falseh00ds. In the eyes of an impartial observer, such as a therapist, a che*ting man’s denial typically looks about as solid as a house of cards in a stiff breeze, yet these men will doggedly insist their rationale is sound
This, of course, begs the question: Why? Why do men really che*t? And why do they sometimes continue ch*ating after they’re c@`ught, even in the face of profoundly unw@nted consequences like d!`vorce, loss of parental contact, loss of social standing, and the like?
The truth is that all sorts of dynamics can play into a man’s decision to engage in infidelity. Generally, though, his choice to ch*at is driven by one or more of the following factors:

1. Immaturity: If he does not have a lot of experience in committed relationships, or if he doesn’t fully understand that his actions will inevitably have consequences like hur`ting his partner, he may think it is fine to have s3`xual adventures. He might think of his commitment to monogamy as a jacket that he can put on or take off as he pleases, depending on the circumstances. 
2. Co-occurring Issues: He may have an ongoing problem with alcohol and/or dr`ugs that affects his decision-making, resulting in regrettable s`3xu@l decisions. Or maybe he has a problem like $3xu'al addiction, meaning he compulsively engages in $3`xual fantasies and behaviors as a way to numb out and avoid life. 
3. Insecurity: He may feel as if he is too old (or too young), not handsome enough, not rich enough, not smart enough, etc. (An astonishing amount of male che@ ting is linked, at least in part, to a mid-life cr! sis.) To bolster his flagging ego, he seeks validation from w0men other than his mate, using this $*xtra`curricular spark of interest to feel wanted, desired, and worthy. 
4. It’s Over, Version 1: He may want to end his current relationship. However, instead of just telling his partner that he’s unhappy and wants to break things off, he che@ts — and then forces her to do the dirty work. 
5. It’s Over, Version 2: He may want to end his current relationship, but not until he’s got another one lined up. So he sets the stage for his next relationship while still in the first one. 
6. Lack of Male Social Support: He may have undervalued his need for supportive friendships with other men, expecting his social and emotional needs to be met entirely by his significant other. And when she inevitably fails in that duty, he seeks fulfillment elsewhere. 
7. Confusion about Limerence versus Commitment: He might misunderstand the difference between rom@ntic intensity and long-term love, mistaking the neurochemical rush of early rom@nce, technically referred to as limerence, for love, and failing to understand that in healthy, long-term relationships limerence is replaced over time with less intense, but ultimately more meaningful forms of connection. 
8. Ch!ldh00`d Abu`se: He may be reen@cting or latently responding to unresolved chi`ldh00d trauma – neglect, emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, etc. In such cases, his childhood wounds have created attachment/intimacy issues that leave him unable or unwilling to fully commit to one person. He might also be using the excitement and distraction of $#xual infidel!ty as a way to self-soothe the pain of these old, unhealed wounds.
9. Selfishness: It’s possible that his primary consideration is for himself and himself alone. He can therefore lie and keep secr8ts without remorse or regr8t, as long as it gets him what he wants. It’s possible he never intended to be monog amous. Rather than seeing his v0w of monogamy as a s@crifice made to and for his relationship, he views it as something to be avoided and worked around. 
10. Terminal Uniqueness: He may feel like he is different and deserves something special that other men might not. The usual rules just don’t apply to him, so he is free to reward himself outside his primary relationship whenever he wants. 
11. Unfettered Impulse: He may never have even thought about ch`ea`ting until an opportunity suddenly presented itself. Then, without even thinking about what infidelity might do his relationship, he went for it. 
12. Unrealistic Expectations: He may feel that his partner should meet his every whim and desire, $'3x'ual and otherwise, 24/7, regardless of how she feels at any particular moment. He fails to understand that she has a life of her own, with thoughts and feelings and needs that don’t always involve him. When his expectations are not met, he seeks external fulfillment.
13. Anger/Revenge: He may che@ t to get revenge. He is angry with his mate, and wants to hurt her. In such cases, the infidelity is meant to be seen and known. The man does not bother to lie or keep secrets about his cheating, because he wants his partner to know about it.